It feels like being trapped in a slippery sided well and forever trying to climb out but slipping back down. Sometimes I seem to slip back down so fast that I bounce and land higher than when I slipped. And it goes on and on.
I now know that none of the abuse and humiliation I have suffered have been my fault. I have spent years trying to find how I was to blame so I could find control. I was raped when I was 8 years old and somehow believed that I caused it – why else did it happen to me?
I am writing this for therapy, and yes, once again trying to gain control, but I feel this is a much more positive way. I am not focusing on the shame I have felt from the years of abuse or trying to push myself to “be normal.” I am doing this for self preservation and peace.